Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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