She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
