So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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