I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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