So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
