I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
