Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
