i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
