Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
