it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
pray to the hookup gods
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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