This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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