Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
