hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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