I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
