Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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