I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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