Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
