So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
