So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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