She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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