Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
