Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
