Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize