Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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