I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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