i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
too bad you live with your parents still
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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