he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize