I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize