Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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