So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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