your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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