John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
