This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
