Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
