she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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