i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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