I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
