So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
