Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I would ride that face into the sunset
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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