life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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