The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
These tits shall not be calmed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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