i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
