so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
