I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
