I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
