So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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