life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
