It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
