all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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