im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
